Being a rural pastor's wife post #25

I took my own advice and the last two Friday mornings I have gone to quilting with the ladies from church. I was only able to have coffee/treats and quilt for a couple of hours-not stay for lunch, because Ram had visits with members to make in the afternoon. It was fun to get together with the ladies (who are all old enough to be my mom or grandma). I liked to get out with the purpose of doing something-tie quilts. I'm also learning a little bit about quilting too.
I asked one of the quilting women about what she did to get time to herself when she had young children. She laughed at that question. She said there was far too much work on the farm and at home when she had young children to even think about time to herself. I asked if she had the neighbor over for coffee or something like that. Her answer shocked me-she never would have considered having a woman over to her house without also inviting the husband. Then on the rare time that a couple came, there were always farm chores to be done so the couple wouldn't stay long. She reminded me that even in the winter there was a ton of work to be done, it was just different work than summer work.
She also said that times have changed and we have a lot more to deal with when we raise our children today than she did then-I assumed that she meant how technology is in our lives but I didn't ask her to explain more. But she also sounded like she can't understand this "need" for moms to get time alone because she didn't get time to herself when she had young children. It was not all about her. I asked her about where she got advice for parenting-as compared to today I get advice from our family or look on the internet or ask my e-mail buddies. She laughed at that question too-what kind of advice did I need as a parent? She said she would talk things over with her husband and generally they just figured things out-even if it wasn't the best way or if it took her longer-things always worked out. I really respect her and her husband for taking this approach to parenting. I'm sure they talked things over and prayed about it and then left the rest in the Lord's hands.
I've thought about this conversation a lot in the last week. I know I only talked to one woman about this and perhaps I'll ask some more ladies at church these same questions. I doubt that this woman is abnormal in this area and especially not for the time that she was raising children. My how far we have come since her children were little and I'm not sure we've come far in a good way.
So what am I thinking after this conversation? I'm going to try to go to quilting as often as possible (which is not every week because of Ram's schedule plus they only quilt in the winter). I like that time getting some "wisdom" from the older women and volunteering at the same time. After talking to her, I also don't feel like it is abnormal to not feel that "need" to go to play group that many of my friends have talked about. If the older women in this rural area survived without play group, I can do it too. I know this paragraph sounds crazy because when I go to quilting I am getting a little time to myself away from the Lambs. But it is a different time away from the Lambs than play group would be.
I would encourage you to ask questions like I asked this woman at quilting to an older woman in your area. I would be very curious if her answers are typical for someone her age AND for someone in an urban area or just for the rural areas. I think some times we forget about what a blessing the older women in our churches are. Instead of complaining that there is only one other mom with kids in similar age to the Lambs in our tri-parish, I should be thankful that all the rest of the church women have "been there done that".
Check back tomorrow for more posts about being a rural pastor's wife.

Mommy Memory

Last night, all 3 Lambs fought for space on my lap as we said our evening prayers. Usually all 3 Lambs want to be independent and kneel by themselves. I gladly made room for all 3 on my lap.

I used to give turns rubbing Lamb 2's back and then Lamb 1's back for prayers. Recently Lamb 3 has been insisting that he has a turn too. I don't mind singing a few extra hymns so that everyone gets a turn! Lamb 3 loves to be held and put his head on my shoulder.

Boys

Lamb 1 and 2 have been playing outside a lot recently during our nice weather. I gave them some old sippy cups to use as pots and they have been filling them with dirt and planting pinecones or other small items. It's too early to plant our real garden, but they have fun with their pretend garden. On Wednesday we had a problem with being sneaky and coming inside and filling their pots with water from the basement bathroom. That sink is full of dirt now. Yesterday, I was glad we had that problem solved-no coming inside once you are outside. But yesterday, the Lambs could not get along at all. Lamb 2 usually started it with poking Lamb 1 with sticks. I was interrupted multiple times to take care of it. I kept watching out the window. Finally I saw Lamb 1 beating up Lamb 2. They were rolling around in the grass and pulling on whichever limb of their brother they could reach the fastest. Between the time I saw the Lambs doing this and the time I got to the back door to yell at them, Lamb 1 had picked up part of the drain pipe and was getting ready to hit Lamb 2 with it. They both had to come inside immediately. Lamb 2 was tired of playing outside and he went and played in the living room. Lamb 1 was very upset and everything was Lamb 2's fault and he had a major tantrum in his room before he came out. I didn't say a word at this time.
Lamb 1 happened to pick a book for bedtime about sharing and taking turns. After reading the book then I used that as a chance to talk to the boys about playing outside earlier that day. Of course both were ready to blame the other, but neither could think of anything they themselves had done wrong outside. I finally drug the story out of both of them-thankfully I had watched them out the window enough to give them prompts. Lamb 1 declared that they should have the punishment of not playing outside the next day. I said they could play outside after they picked up all the sticks in the yard. So today they will be busy picking up sticks.
Ram is home a lot so I don't have to deal with issues like this by myself very often. I was trying to get a lot of other things done yesterday and didn't have time to come up with a plan while they were outside. But looking back, I think that it all worked out wonderful. We didn't deal with it while everyone was angry. Waiting and then discussing it went much better. They are looking forward to working together to pick up sticks today. Plus our yard will be ready to mow.
I don't have any brothers so sometimes I don't feel prepared to be a Mama to boys. Sometimes I don't know what God was thinking to give me 3 boys! Yesterday is one example that I really can do this.

Family Size

I have been thinking a lot about the comment from the wives of Ram's dad's business contacts that were shocked when Ram's mom said we were pregnant with #4. I'm wondering if it is a generational idea that #4 is a huge family today. My uncle was shocked when I commented to him once that we were hoping that we weren't done at 3. I thought about our married friends-mostly my college friends and Ram's friends. I'm going to list them by the mom's initials in order to be kind of anonymous but I'm sure you can figure out some of these and perhaps you will even be listed. I am not listing Loopers, just other friends. These are mostly college and seminary friends, with a few others listed too.
Mother's first and last initial/number of children
K.R. 5
J.T. 5 (including 1 adopted)
R.K.-#4 due in June
S.W. 2 (not sure if done yet)
L.W. wants children but unable to have any yet
J.H. working on adopting #2
S.G. 3 (I think done for health reasons, but not sure)
S.K. 2 (done for health reasons)
J.H. 2 (done for health reasons)
H.G. 3 (done for health reasons)
K.B. 3 (done for health reasons)
B.F. 2 (done for health reasons)
R.H. 9 (if I counted right!) (I couldn't resist listing her.)
H.P. 4 (done for health reasons)
S.T. 2 (not sure if done yet)
A.U. 4 (I think)
E.B. 3 (done for health reasons)
You will see from this list that 3 seems to be the average but 4 and 5 aren't unusual. Many of those with 2 or 3 would like more but can't. The other interesting thing is all but 2 of these that I listed are full time SAHM (a few have jobs like scrapbook consultant, but don't work outside the home in a 9-5 job). Perhaps the wives of Ram's dad's business contacts are in the generation that expected to have 2 children and work full time and not stay at home? Perhaps I'm reading into this too much because maybe they just expected our family to be like Ram's family and have 3. But after thinking about this for a few days, I don't think 4 or even 5 is unusual. I do still think 6 is a large family-perhaps because they won't all fit in the minivan! What do you think? Do most of your friends have 3 or more children?

ECFE Parent Discussion

After most of December and all January off of ECFE, we resumed class today. The theme today was groundhogs. The story, song, art project, and even their play time was all about groundhogs. Then the parents meet while the children play. The children, especially Lamb 3, but other children too, seemed to have forgotten the routine and didn't want to leave their parents for the meeting. I'm hoping to get back to the routine soon where all the Lambs play while I go to the meeting.
At this first session, we brainstormed topics for the next 7 weeks for parents to talk about. It has been the same parents for the last few years so we've already done most of the normal topics of potty training, bedtime routine, discipline, etc. We decided to repeat discipline because we can always learn more about that.
The leader had a few interesting ideas for topics.
1. What do we want to teach our children to be prepared for the future? Some ideas given were-be respectful, keep their priorities straight, not give in to peer pressure, etc. When I discussed this with Ram, he said we want to train up a child in the way he should go... (Proverbs 22:6) and nothing else is as important as that. He also said we want to teach our Lambs to do problem solving and do simple math etc. in their heads and not rely on technology. I agree with the parent that said teaching them to keep their priorities straight is so important. Anyway, I'm going to be thinking more about this question as I think it is important.
2. The next topic she suggested was teaching your child to use technology wisely. She gave the example of college students giving up their cell phones for one week and they thought they were going to die. Another example was 4 out of 5 students don't watch the basketball game-they text during it. How ridiculous to go to a basketball game and not watch it! Last, sadly many couples sit in the same room and text each other instead of talking to each other. I can't even relate since I don't own a cell phone, or a laptop, or a mp3 player! I have never sent a text message on a cell phone. But I did really miss our computer when it was down for 18 days! I think this is a good topic and I look forward to our discussion.
3. One mom suggested how to talk about the birds and the bees with your child on an age appropriate level. I kept my mouth shut but I was so tempted to say that she should get pregnant as it is much easier to talk about this with your children when you are pregnant and when you have a new baby-Mama's breasts are for nursing, etc. After the meeting she stood up and she is obviously pregnant-and she told us then that she is expecting twins! Problem solved!

I'll be thinking more about topics for us to discuss. I try to take the Lambs every week so I may as well have an interesting topic that I would learn something from.