Wednesday, September 18, 2013

I am Baptized into Christ

I turned the page in my calendar and my breath was taken away for a minute when I read the words DUE DATE on today's date. Because of Factor II, if everything would have gone well, DUE DATE means I should be nursing a two week old baby today. My mom should be celebrating her birthday tomorrow with a new grandbaby with a birthday very near her birthday. 

After the first couple of miscarriages I quit putting the words DUE DATE on the calendar. It was just too difficult. But my last few pregnancies have been different-calculating how long to do progesterone and heparin and when I would be induced if I got that far. Also when to get refills on those drugs. So all that was written on my calendar in my purse.

Last week I went to the eye doctor and I had to report I had two miscarriages since my last exam. My vision gets very messed up when I am pregnant, even if I am only pregnant a short time. It takes several months to go back to normal. This week I have to go to my thyroid doctor and report that I had a miscarriage since I saw her last time. My doctor doesn't have the best bedside manner and I am already nervous about this appointment.

Why 8 miscarriages? Why a miscarriage approximately every 6 months? Why didn't we have a happy ending and have a baby after several miscarriages? I've done all the doctors said to do, why didn't it work? Why does going to routine doctor appointments become so difficult? Why do I need to stock up on sympathy cards to mail to my grieving friends that also have had miscarriages?

I don't know if I will ever have the answers to those questions. I do know "that for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). I do know that I will only have the 'peace that passes all understanding' if I look to Christ for that peace. I do believe my heavenly Father has the best in mind for me and my family even if it doesn't look that way some times. I do believe that some day I will see my 8 miscarried babies in heaven.  I do know that I am baptized into Christ. That is very comforting to me.

"There is nothing worth comparing 
To this lifelong comfort sure! 
Open eyed my grave is staring 
Even there I'll sleep secure.
Though my flesh awaits its raising,
Still my soul continues praising:
I am baptized into Christ;
I'm a child of paradise!" (LSB 740:5)