Year in Review-December 2017 Part 1

We took a lot of pictures in December, so I'll post a few at a time.

Photo Credit: Meghan Schultz
The Lambs favorite art class so far was the day they used clay to make boats.

Photo Credit: Meghan Schultz
I ordered a print to remember our babies. Row one is our 3 Lambs birthstones. Row two is the birthstones of our miscarried babies. I got it here. Her work is beautiful and I am so glad to have this to remember all our children. I would like to order more prints from her, but was so pleased to get this one for our family. I framed it and it is one of the few pieces of artwork on display in our rental home instead of still packed after moving.

Our city had a tour of churches night. The first 3 photos are the church where my parents got married. They did extensive remodeling recently to restore it closer to the original. It is beautiful!

This is the church where Ram and Ewe got married 16 years ago. We have so many fond memories of this church.

This is the church that we attend now. It was still Advent so we did not decorate for Christmas yet. We went to a few more churches that night, but I didn't take any more pictures.

The Lambs went to a Science Central class and dissected frogs.

Trying to identify if it is a male or female frog.

I used coupons to get 5 nice greeting cards for $1.56 total including tax.

I bought a necklace/keychain for my sister for Christmas from here. I bought myself one a few years ago. My sister's was larger than mine and it was not her favorite gift. I don't know this etsy shop owner, but I love her items made out of postage stamps and she has wonderful fast service.

This was her favorite gift. I bought it here. I bought her the set of 3 prints from the Anthems of Zion. I also used some of my birthday money to get a set for myself. It was so interesting because they are hand lettered, both sets were different. When these arrived I wrapped and finished shipping all our gifts to far away family. It was so good to have that done early this year and not worry about it near Christmas.

So sad behind the scenes

Recently this story about Iceland has been circulating. I have talked about my pregnancy with Lamb 2 on my blog before, but it is worth repeating again since this story is out.

When I was pregnant with Lamb 2 I went to a new midwife because my midwife for Lamb 1 thought 1 1/2 hours was too far away for another birth since Lamb 1 was born less than an hour after I arrived at the hospital. The midwife for Lamb 2 ordered what I considered regular blood tests as I was a new patient for her. These blood tests came back positive for birth defects such as Down Syndrome. We lived in rural MN so the midwife ordered a level 2 ultrasound in the Twin Cities to see if we could tell anything else.

While we waited for the ultrasound, Lamb 1 fractured his leg, but we didn't know it was fractured until about a month after he fractured it, the x-rays didn't show that it was broken until it was healing. So we traveled to the Twin Cities with a toddler with a broken leg that we didn't know was broken and due to an early morning appointment stayed in a hotel the night before. Ram drove and helped take care of Lamb 1 in the office during my appointment.

The oddest part for me was the first thing they did at this level 2 ultrasound was had us meet with a genetic counselor. She took down our whole history. She was kind of disgusted that I only have one sibling that was not married at the time (so no children) and Ram had no living siblings (and they never had children). She admitted without knowing about our nieces and nephews she didn't have much information to go on. I didn't understand that, because what if we had several siblings but we were the first ones to start our family? And neither Ram or I can help that we come from small families! Both Ram and I repeatedly asked why we couldn't have the ultrasound before speaking to the genetic counselor. That made it clear to me that they wanted us to decide on abortion with their "facts" of our genetics, before we even saw the baby on the screen. Because she had so little information about our family she recommended an amniocentesis. Because of our miscarriage between Lamb 1 and Lamb 2, I immediately declined an amniocentesis due to the risk of miscarriage after amniocentesis.

It was finally time for the level 2 ultrasound. I was really looking forward to seeing our baby in more detail than a normal ultrasound. I have had a lot of ultrasounds with all of my pregnancies and miscarriages and this level 2 ultrasound was the most silent ultrasound tech I have ever had for any of my ultrasounds. He only talked when necessary. Then another tech (doctor?) came in and was supposed to explain the results to us. But again, he said very little, we found out that Lamb 2 was a boy (the only pregnancy that we had a gender reveal-due to all this testing I wanted to know the sex to pray for him or her) and very little more. Again he recommended an amniocentesis. His reason-Lamb 2 was too active to really get good measurements. Both Ram and I left that ultrasound with the feeling that they did not suspect Down Syndrome, but they couldn't say that to us because they were afraid we would sue them if he was born with Down Syndrome. But they would not tell us one way or another, even what they suspected, just recommended an amniocentesis.

At the time we had good health insurance so our out of pocket cost was parking for the appointment; the hotel one night; gas to go 4 hours; and the time and mental stress of the appointment. Ram and I were quite disgusted that we received so little information for all that.

The rest of the story is that I didn't have any more ultrasounds during Lamb 2's pregnancy and we made clear that we were keeping the baby no matter what. But I would have really liked to have more information to be more mentally prepared and educate myself some more if he was born with Down Syndrome. He was born without Down Syndrome.

I left that appointment and started doing my research. At the time, (11 years ago) the best estimate that I could find then was that 75-90% of Americans with a positive blood test for Down Syndrome abort their babies. (The statistic in the story referenced above is higher, but I am not sure if that is a statistic for a positive blood test, ultrasound, or amniocentesis). It made me so sad. The way they do these appointments for level 2 ultrasounds is encouraging abortions.
1. We had to meet with the genetic counselor before they even looked at the baby on the level 2 ultrasound.
2. They wouldn't give us very much information no matter how many questions we asked.
3. They worked very hard to get me in for my level 2 ultrasound before it would be too late to have an abortion.
4. They encouraged amniocentesis, which causes miscarriages in some cases. (Even a small percentage of miscarriages due to amniocentesis is too much in my mind.)

Due to so many abortions after a positive blood test for Down Syndrome, there is no good estimate of how many of these were false positives like Lamb 2. So we have no idea how many of these babies were just fine like Lamb 2 but were aborted. I'm not even sure if they have any way to report that Lamb 2 was a false positive. It doesn't really matter if they have Down Syndrome or not, none of these children should be killed.

Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. Lord have mercy.

When I was pregnant with Lamb 3 I refused any blood tests like this one that I had a false positive on when I was pregnant with Lamb 2. I refused to go through all that again when I knew we would keep the baby. For Lamb 3 I had a normal ultrasound at 20 weeks. Then as I got closer to delivery day I had several ultrasounds due to the fact that I only gained 10 lbs in that whole pregnancy. They never found anything abnormal in any of those ultrasounds, but due to the little weight gain they induced me a week early. Their ultrasound estimate was he was 4 1/2 lbs on induction day. But he was born healthy and 6 lbs 10 oz. I am thankful that he was born healthy and I don't regret the induction because the midwife was going on what information she had been given. I know that sometimes ultrasounds give life saving information. But I can see from Lamb 3's pregnancy, that even ultrasounds don't always give correct information.

Looking back, I am glad we had these experiences with Lamb 2 and Lamb 3 because it really opened my eyes to what the medical profession does during pregnancy. Please pray for pregnant women and their spouses to be able to navigate the information given to them during pregnancy and make wise decisions. Until Lamb 2's pregnancy, I had no idea the amount of decisions that need to be made during pregnancy. I already knew there were a lot of decisions to be made during birth. Continue praying for families blessed with a child with Down Syndrome. Continue praying for unborn babies.

5 year update of 2011 post

December 29, 2001
1 Ram + 1 Ewe 

+ Ram changing from student to pastor
and back to student
+Ram 2 Calls to 4 different churches
+1 major surgery
+First laptop

+Ewe changing from classroom teacher
to Mama to homeschool teacher
+Ewe thyroid removed
+Ewe's first cell phone
+Ewe's first smartphone
+First iPad

 

+ 3 Boy Lambs (2004, 2006, 2008)
+ Surviving MSPI with Lamb 1 as a baby
+ Completing a year of vision therapy with Lamb 2
+1 Minor surgery for Lamb 2
+ Lamb 2 and 3 graduating from speech therapy
+ 3 Lambs getting involved in many different kinds of activities

+Several vacations to IN, ID, CA, SC, AL, MO, etc.

+ Making many new friends from many different parts 

of the country and a few that live overseas

+1 Brother-in-law
+ 5 year anniversary for Eric and Hannah

- 11 miscarried Lambs,
- 1 brother (Tim), 
- 3 Grandmas, -2 Grandpas, 
-7 Great Aunts and Great Uncles, 
and -several family friends going to join the saints in the Church Triumphant

+ 1 Saturn - 2 Saturns
+ 1 Blazer - 2 Blazers
+ 1 Toyota Camry
+ 2 Minivans -2 Minivans
+ 1 Toyota Sienna

+Living in 5 houses in 3 different parts of the country
+ Bought 1 house
- Sold 2 houses
+renting for our first time
+ plus being crazy enough to rent a second time
+3 major moves to live in 3 different states
+Moving from living in the same city as Ewe's parents to live in the same state as Ram's parents and then coming back to live in the same city as Ewe's parents again
+living in a big city
+living in a town of 113,
+living in a growing city of a suburb of the state capital
+back to living in a big city again

= 15 years of holy matrimony for Ram and Ewe!

We thank Christ for being the center of our marriage and being with us through all these changes. We know He will continue to be with us in future years and future changes.

*Baker family, you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. This is a bittersweet day on the calendar. May we all continue to look forward to the resurrection of the body and life everlasting.

Love Songs of Childhood

The Dead Babe

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

In agony I knelt and said:

"O God! what have I done,

Or in what wise offended Thee,

That Thou should'st take away from me

My little son?

Upon the thousand useless lives,

Upon the guilt that vaunting thrives,

Thy wrath were better spent!

Why should'st Thou take my little son-

Why should'st Thou vent Thy wrath upon

This innocent?

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

Before mine eyes the vision spread

Of things that might have been: 

Licentious riot, cruel strife,

Forgotten prayers, a wasted life

Dark red with sin!

Then, with sweet music in the air,

I saw another vision there:

A Shepherd in whose keep 

A little lamb-my little child!

Of worldly wisdom undefiled,

Lay fast asleep!

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

In those two messages I read

A wisdom manifest;

And though my arms be childless now,

I am content-to Him I bow

Who knoweth best.

by Eugene Field

*I recently stumbled upon this poem in a book that my sister gave me 10 years ago. I am not posting it because of anything recent. It has been several months since my last miscarriage. It perfectly sums up the feelings I have had 11 times for my Lambs that are now with the Good Shepherd.

October 15

This photo is from one of my miscarriages. I have about 5 other photos just like it, some with more syringes, some with less.

The doctors I have seen in both MN and ID have all told me that I'm doing everything right and everything that they know is possible. I have taken prenatal vitamins every day since my wedding day. I have taken baby aspirin daily since I found out I have Factor II. Once I know I'm pregnant I begin twice a day heparin injections and also progesterone supplements. I continue all this until they are absolutely certain that I'm having another miscarriage, even though I often know it's a miscarriage weeks before I stop this routine.

Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it . The doctor told me back in 2011 that the chances of me having another baby were very very low even if I did everything they know to do. Heparin and progesterone cost a lot of money and recently insurance is paying for less than they did before. Remembering injections twice a day is difficult.

Then I remember that I'm doing this for one of my Lambs. I want to do everything possible to give my child a chance. That makes it all worth it. That makes me continue this whole routine each time I get a positive pregnancy test.

I long for the day that I will meet my other 11 Lambs. October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Not every pregnancy has a happy ending. Not every birth has a happy ending. Not every newborn has a happy ending. So I keep all those parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles and siblings who have lost babies in my prayers today.

“Be near me, Lord Jesus: I ask Thee to stay

Close by me forever and love me, I pray.

Bless all the dear children in Thy tender care,

And take us to heaven to live with Thee there.”

LSB 364:3

 

Laugh or Cry? Laugh.

I have mentioned before that after all my miscarriages it is difficult for me to go to any kind of doctors now. Even routine doctor visits need to bring this up. For example my eye doctor has to continue to keep me on eye drops for my allergies that are safe for pregnancy. Ram allows me to get a Starbucks after every doctor visit because of this. :)

I also have mentioned that we are trying to fit in all our doctor visits before the end of the year since we met our deductible. I recently had to see a male doctor because my female doctor wasn't available the day of my appointment. He had never met me before and he was having trouble getting my record to come up on the computer. So we began a short conversation while he waited on the computer. I tried to briefly tell my history.

Dr.:"Frankly, that's AMAZING that you got pregnant naturally so often in your late thirties and even at age 40!"
(These were the first words he spoke to me after hearing my history. The expression on his face was priceless. I could tell he would love to take me to a conference to show off an "old" woman that was still getting pregnant naturally so often.)

Dr. continues:"You must have a lot of eggs in there. We just don't see this often in our practice."
(This got me to an interesting thought-all the months that I haven't menstruated because I was breastfeeding, pregnant with the Lambs, or pregnant with miscarriages have added up. It may be years before menopause for me!)

I briefly described how I was doing emotionally with the help of  going to the He Remembers the Barren Retreat last summer. The doctor was very interested in the He Remembers the Barren book and I plan to give one to him next time I go to that doctor. He was especially interested that I have a "network" of people to talk to that also have infertility problems. I mentioned that I had never met another woman that had as many miscarriages as I have had.

Dr.: "I've never seen anyone that has had as many miscarriages as you have had."
(This doctor's specialty is infertility. That got me to another thought-most women would try to prevent pregnancy after this many miscarriages or at my age. They would either have a medical need for an hysterectomy, do some form of birth control, or try IVF or other fertility procedures. To do nothing to either prevent pregnancy or try to conceive is so different from most women my age.
Also, this is not a new thought for me, but I think that previous generations probably had a lot more miscarriages than they were aware of before home pregnancy tests. My generation is both blessed and cursed with home pregnancy tests.)

My morals and values just aren't typical at this practice, but I don't know without traveling outside of ID whom else to see. I have been blessed with three boys. I don't want to do anything extraordinary to have another baby. My problem is not getting pregnant, it is staying pregnant. I originally went to this practice with the hope that they could save some of my babies that became miscarriages. Doctors don't know everything and they tell me after each miscarriage that I can't do anything else unless it is controlled under conditions like IVF. They don't know what to do with me because I get pregnant under conditions they can't control.

I left his office after my appointment just bursting to tell Ram what had happened. I have shed so many tears that at this point I love to see the humorous side of this. In the doctor's words-It is AMAZING that I was pregnant at age 40 and I have a lot of eggs in there! It was a blessing that my regular doctor wasn't available that day so I had a humorous doctor visit.

*Note: I am not currently pregnant. This was discussing my previous history.

Fertility in a Fallen World

One of my blog posts that is hit on quite often is titled Lutherans and Miscarriage. That post was originally written as a way to tell about the He Remembers the Barren book and website.

I had my first miscarriage 9 years ago. Since then I have added so many thoughts and so much understanding about fertility. I have remained pretty silent about this on my blog as I just didn't know where to begin. I didn't even post about most of my miscarriages. It was just too overwhelming to talk about this 9 times. I really wanted to add my thoughts to my blog after I attended the He Remembers the Barren Retreat last year. But life, especially caring for Lamb 2, has interfered with that plan. I have felt that I really should talk about this more on my blog, especially since the Lutherans and Miscarriage post is hit on so often.

One frustrating part about my miscarriages was I don't know anyone else that has had as many miscarriages as me. One of the reasons I wanted to post my story was so if there are other women out there with recurring miscarriages, they know they aren't the only one. There is such comfort in just knowing you aren't alone.

Several weeks ago I stumbled on a blog where women were invited to tell their stories. This was my chance to put in to writing many of my thoughts about fertility. As I began to answer the questions asked, the writing poured out and it became quite long. I let it sit for about a month, occasionally adding or deleting parts of it. I spoke to my husband and parents about this as they were part of my story. I finally decided I was ready to post it.

A Bundle of Myrrh was quite gracious to post my story here. I do have plans to post this story again on my blog in shorter parts and in more detail. That will have to wait until  time allows, which may not be until this fall when Lamb 2 graduates from most of his therapy. Writing this has opened the way for me to talk about miscarriage more on my blog.

My story is at a strange point in our family's journey. Our family size may be done, but only God knows if it is. At some point we may also adopt or foster, but we don't know if we will. I would love to hear stories of women that are beyond the childbearing years as part of this series. There is wisdom then that those of us in the childbearing years don't always see. So if you are a woman beyond the childbearing years, I would ask you to share your story with us. A Bundle of Myrrh has great questions to get you started.

Putting my thoughts in writing was so helpful to me. I loved the introduction she wrote for my story-especially her last paragraph summed up the most important part of my story. Thank you so much, A Bundle of Myrrh, for the opportunity to guest post.

The Good Shepherd and His Lambs

At the He Remembers the Barren Retreat last July, we attended Emmaus Lutheran Church together on Sunday morning before we parted ways to begin our journeys home. I snapped this picture of one of their stained glass windows. I liked it because the title of my blog is from the hymn, I am Jesus Little Lamb.

My friend, Heather, reminded me of this beautiful scene. Jesus is holding our lambs that have gone to heaven before we do. The ewes are at Jesus' feet.

First Day of Spring

 After 2 weeks of many doctor visits, constant prayer, shots twice a day, and unanswered questions we received an answer to our prayers last night. Another one of our children joined his/her 8 siblings to be held by Jesus. His/her siblings are ages 8 months-9 years. 

We spent some time yesterday afternoon looking at the flowers around our yard on the first day of spring. We marveled at God's work on those bulbs and plants we planted last fall and how they are blooming beautifully now. We can see Easter Sunday on the calendar in a few weeks. We can see that in a little while we will join the angels and  archangels and all the company of heaven to evermore sing praises to God.

We praise God that our baby had 6 weeks and 6 days to hear the Word of God and receive the Lord's body and blood often. We thank God that our baby is alive in Christ forever!

Guide us waking, O Lord, and guard us sleeping that awake we may watch with Christ and asleep we may rest in peace.

(LSB Compline Service)

Puzzling

On Thursday I received a phone call from the nurse of the doctor I have gone to after my last few miscarriages. I had to ask her to repeat which doctor's office she was calling from when she called. I would have expected a phone call from one of Lamb 2's doctors, but not a phone call from my doctor that I haven't seen for several months.
When I finally figured out who was calling, I asked why she was calling. The were just calling to check on me. I replied that I was fine and I would contact them if I needed them.
When I hung up the phone, I was puzzled if they were calling because they were truly concerned about me or if they want my business if I become more aggressive in trying to have a baby. I still don't know the answer to that. They never called me before as a follow up after previous miscarriages, so I doubt the former is the reason. I refuse to become as they would say "more aggressive in my approach to having a baby" for moral reasons so if the latter is the reason, they aren't going to make money off of me. Or perhaps my turning 40 last week made them call me? When I first saw this doctor I was 38 and she said I would want to be very aggressive in trying to have a baby before I turned 40. She didn't like my answer then that I was trying to prevent more miscarriages, and since it is the Lord that gives children, I can not try or not try to have babies.
I am still a little shaken by that phone call. It was not helpful in my journey of grief. I am mentally/spiritually/physically fine after all my miscarriages. But what if I wasn't when I received that phone call?

Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy, Lord have mercy.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day. It is bittersweet that our family has added two little lambs to heaven since this day last year. I looked back over my blog on this date the past few years: 2009, 2011, and 2012.

Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

Today I included in my prayers both my friends that I know personally are affected and also those whom I do not know. I also prayed for their families including their husbands, parents, siblings, and other children. I prayed for women with fertility problems; who have had a miscarriage or an infant die; and those that have had an abortion.  I prayed for my 9 sisters in Christ that I met at the He Remembers the Barren Retreat this summer. I prayed that all women affected by pregnancy and infant loss get the peace that passes all understanding through Christ.

Denied because Barren

I read in the Thrivent magazine that they offer disability insurance to SAHM. This sounded like something smart for me to get. We live far from my side of the family and Ram's dad isn't retired yet so his parents couldn't come help us much. If I had a disability for a few weeks our church members would help out. But if I had a long term disability we would have a difficult time. It would be nice then to have dollars to pay someone to do some housekeeping and perhaps to send the Lambs to school if necessary.
So we asked our Thrivent rep. about it. It sounded like something useful for a few more years until the Lambs are older. He asked a bunch of health questions for the application. At first I thought compared to Ram having one kidney now, I haven't had anything in my health history to discuss. I've never had surgery. I don't take any prescription medications. But as he asked questions it began to become humorous-oh yes, I broke my foot a few years ago when I fell down the steps and I broke my finger too when it was smashed in the garage door. Oh yes, I had a thyroid biopsy a few years ago. No, I've never had pregnancy or birth complications. Oh yes, I've had 8 miscarriages. The Thrivent rep. said as he read the list of things that most of what he read was probably going to be things that I never heard of before. As he read the list of possible pregnancy complications, I knew what every single one was and most of them I could name a friend that had had that pregnancy complication!
The next week I received a phone call from Thrivent. She had a very specific list of questions to ask regarding my answers to my Thrivent rep. on my health history. When I tried to elaborate on the answers she asked me to just answer the question. She told me they were trying to not ask my doctor for records and get the info directly from me. But the answers to her questions did need to be elaborated on and she wouldn't let me. Yes, I had a thyroid biopsy a few years ago. It was all benign. I am closely monitored by a doctor for my thyroid, but no signs of thyroid cancer and no need to be on medication. Yes, I've had 8 miscarriages, but I've never had any pregnancy complications nor any birth complications. Do I know what is causing the miscarriages? I answered no. They know I have Factor II, but I've done what they told me to do during pregnancies because of Factor II and I've still had miscarriages. When I got off the phone with her I was frustrated because not only did she not listen to my answers, but my gut told me I was going to be denied coverage.
Next I received a bill from my thyroid doctor that I didn't understand. So I called billing for an explanation. I was being billed by my thyroid doctor for Thrivent inquiring information about me. So then I called my Thrivent rep. I learned then that I was on his list to call that day to tell me that Thrivent denied insurance coverage to me because of my health history. He is going to try to get reimbursement for the bill from the thyroid doctor from Thrivent. I can appeal their decision but it is very unlikely that I would "win" as they very rarely change their first decision.
I am not angry at my Thrivent rep. In fact he went above and beyond his duty for a little tiny policy. I am frustrated and angry that I was denied coverage though. As Ram and I discussed this, I wonder if I was on the pill if they would give me coverage because more pregnancies would be more unlikely.
I'm waiting for the Thrivent rep. to call me back to get more details. Perhaps the denial  is more about my thyroid and less about the miscarriages. I don't know. I may never know specifically why I was denied. Although it would have been nice to have, the Lambs are old enough now that I don't feel that we really NEEDED this insurance. But this is one more time that it feels like being punched in the stomach again for being barren. Being barren is so much more complicated than it seems. Not only do I not get another baby to hold, but I also have to answer questions from everyone including insurance people. Being barren is not something that I did or did not do like consequences there would be after smoking for many years before. After explaining everything as best as I could then I'm still denied coverage.
*Update: The letter I received from Thrivent said the reason I was denied coverage was all of the above reasons in my health history-Factor II, miscarriages, and thyroid nodules. I am not going to appeal this decision.

I am Baptized into Christ

I turned the page in my calendar and my breath was taken away for a minute when I read the words DUE DATE on today's date. Because of Factor II, if everything would have gone well, DUE DATE means I should be nursing a two week old baby today. My mom should be celebrating her birthday tomorrow with a new grandbaby with a birthday very near her birthday. 

After the first couple of miscarriages I quit putting the words DUE DATE on the calendar. It was just too difficult. But my last few pregnancies have been different-calculating how long to do progesterone and heparin and when I would be induced if I got that far. Also when to get refills on those drugs. So all that was written on my calendar in my purse.

Last week I went to the eye doctor and I had to report I had two miscarriages since my last exam. My vision gets very messed up when I am pregnant, even if I am only pregnant a short time. It takes several months to go back to normal. This week I have to go to my thyroid doctor and report that I had a miscarriage since I saw her last time. My doctor doesn't have the best bedside manner and I am already nervous about this appointment.

Why 8 miscarriages? Why a miscarriage approximately every 6 months? Why didn't we have a happy ending and have a baby after several miscarriages? I've done all the doctors said to do, why didn't it work? Why does going to routine doctor appointments become so difficult? Why do I need to stock up on sympathy cards to mail to my grieving friends that also have had miscarriages?

I don't know if I will ever have the answers to those questions. I do know "that for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). I do know that I will only have the 'peace that passes all understanding' if I look to Christ for that peace. I do believe my heavenly Father has the best in mind for me and my family even if it doesn't look that way some times. I do believe that some day I will see my 8 miscarried babies in heaven.  I do know that I am baptized into Christ. That is very comforting to me.

"There is nothing worth comparing 

To this lifelong comfort sure! 

Open eyed my grave is staring 

Even there I'll sleep secure.

Though my flesh awaits its raising,

Still my soul continues praising:

I am baptized into Christ;

I'm a child of paradise!" (LSB 740:5)