Love Songs of Childhood

The Dead Babe

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

In agony I knelt and said:

"O God! what have I done,

Or in what wise offended Thee,

That Thou should'st take away from me

My little son?

Upon the thousand useless lives,

Upon the guilt that vaunting thrives,

Thy wrath were better spent!

Why should'st Thou take my little son-

Why should'st Thou vent Thy wrath upon

This innocent?

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

Before mine eyes the vision spread

Of things that might have been: 

Licentious riot, cruel strife,

Forgotten prayers, a wasted life

Dark red with sin!

Then, with sweet music in the air,

I saw another vision there:

A Shepherd in whose keep 

A little lamb-my little child!

Of worldly wisdom undefiled,

Lay fast asleep!

Last night, as my dear babe lay dead,

In those two messages I read

A wisdom manifest;

And though my arms be childless now,

I am content-to Him I bow

Who knoweth best.

by Eugene Field

*I recently stumbled upon this poem in a book that my sister gave me 10 years ago. I am not posting it because of anything recent. It has been several months since my last miscarriage. It perfectly sums up the feelings I have had 11 times for my Lambs that are now with the Good Shepherd.

Fertility in a Fallen World

One of my blog posts that is hit on quite often is titled Lutherans and Miscarriage. That post was originally written as a way to tell about the He Remembers the Barren book and website.

I had my first miscarriage 9 years ago. Since then I have added so many thoughts and so much understanding about fertility. I have remained pretty silent about this on my blog as I just didn't know where to begin. I didn't even post about most of my miscarriages. It was just too overwhelming to talk about this 9 times. I really wanted to add my thoughts to my blog after I attended the He Remembers the Barren Retreat last year. But life, especially caring for Lamb 2, has interfered with that plan. I have felt that I really should talk about this more on my blog, especially since the Lutherans and Miscarriage post is hit on so often.

One frustrating part about my miscarriages was I don't know anyone else that has had as many miscarriages as me. One of the reasons I wanted to post my story was so if there are other women out there with recurring miscarriages, they know they aren't the only one. There is such comfort in just knowing you aren't alone.

Several weeks ago I stumbled on a blog where women were invited to tell their stories. This was my chance to put in to writing many of my thoughts about fertility. As I began to answer the questions asked, the writing poured out and it became quite long. I let it sit for about a month, occasionally adding or deleting parts of it. I spoke to my husband and parents about this as they were part of my story. I finally decided I was ready to post it.

A Bundle of Myrrh was quite gracious to post my story here. I do have plans to post this story again on my blog in shorter parts and in more detail. That will have to wait until  time allows, which may not be until this fall when Lamb 2 graduates from most of his therapy. Writing this has opened the way for me to talk about miscarriage more on my blog.

My story is at a strange point in our family's journey. Our family size may be done, but only God knows if it is. At some point we may also adopt or foster, but we don't know if we will. I would love to hear stories of women that are beyond the childbearing years as part of this series. There is wisdom then that those of us in the childbearing years don't always see. So if you are a woman beyond the childbearing years, I would ask you to share your story with us. A Bundle of Myrrh has great questions to get you started.

Putting my thoughts in writing was so helpful to me. I loved the introduction she wrote for my story-especially her last paragraph summed up the most important part of my story. Thank you so much, A Bundle of Myrrh, for the opportunity to guest post.

First Day of Spring

 After 2 weeks of many doctor visits, constant prayer, shots twice a day, and unanswered questions we received an answer to our prayers last night. Another one of our children joined his/her 8 siblings to be held by Jesus. His/her siblings are ages 8 months-9 years. 

We spent some time yesterday afternoon looking at the flowers around our yard on the first day of spring. We marveled at God's work on those bulbs and plants we planted last fall and how they are blooming beautifully now. We can see Easter Sunday on the calendar in a few weeks. We can see that in a little while we will join the angels and  archangels and all the company of heaven to evermore sing praises to God.

We praise God that our baby had 6 weeks and 6 days to hear the Word of God and receive the Lord's body and blood often. We thank God that our baby is alive in Christ forever!

Guide us waking, O Lord, and guard us sleeping that awake we may watch with Christ and asleep we may rest in peace.

(LSB Compline Service)

Denied because Barren

I read in the Thrivent magazine that they offer disability insurance to SAHM. This sounded like something smart for me to get. We live far from my side of the family and Ram's dad isn't retired yet so his parents couldn't come help us much. If I had a disability for a few weeks our church members would help out. But if I had a long term disability we would have a difficult time. It would be nice then to have dollars to pay someone to do some housekeeping and perhaps to send the Lambs to school if necessary.
So we asked our Thrivent rep. about it. It sounded like something useful for a few more years until the Lambs are older. He asked a bunch of health questions for the application. At first I thought compared to Ram having one kidney now, I haven't had anything in my health history to discuss. I've never had surgery. I don't take any prescription medications. But as he asked questions it began to become humorous-oh yes, I broke my foot a few years ago when I fell down the steps and I broke my finger too when it was smashed in the garage door. Oh yes, I had a thyroid biopsy a few years ago. No, I've never had pregnancy or birth complications. Oh yes, I've had 8 miscarriages. The Thrivent rep. said as he read the list of things that most of what he read was probably going to be things that I never heard of before. As he read the list of possible pregnancy complications, I knew what every single one was and most of them I could name a friend that had had that pregnancy complication!
The next week I received a phone call from Thrivent. She had a very specific list of questions to ask regarding my answers to my Thrivent rep. on my health history. When I tried to elaborate on the answers she asked me to just answer the question. She told me they were trying to not ask my doctor for records and get the info directly from me. But the answers to her questions did need to be elaborated on and she wouldn't let me. Yes, I had a thyroid biopsy a few years ago. It was all benign. I am closely monitored by a doctor for my thyroid, but no signs of thyroid cancer and no need to be on medication. Yes, I've had 8 miscarriages, but I've never had any pregnancy complications nor any birth complications. Do I know what is causing the miscarriages? I answered no. They know I have Factor II, but I've done what they told me to do during pregnancies because of Factor II and I've still had miscarriages. When I got off the phone with her I was frustrated because not only did she not listen to my answers, but my gut told me I was going to be denied coverage.
Next I received a bill from my thyroid doctor that I didn't understand. So I called billing for an explanation. I was being billed by my thyroid doctor for Thrivent inquiring information about me. So then I called my Thrivent rep. I learned then that I was on his list to call that day to tell me that Thrivent denied insurance coverage to me because of my health history. He is going to try to get reimbursement for the bill from the thyroid doctor from Thrivent. I can appeal their decision but it is very unlikely that I would "win" as they very rarely change their first decision.
I am not angry at my Thrivent rep. In fact he went above and beyond his duty for a little tiny policy. I am frustrated and angry that I was denied coverage though. As Ram and I discussed this, I wonder if I was on the pill if they would give me coverage because more pregnancies would be more unlikely.
I'm waiting for the Thrivent rep. to call me back to get more details. Perhaps the denial  is more about my thyroid and less about the miscarriages. I don't know. I may never know specifically why I was denied. Although it would have been nice to have, the Lambs are old enough now that I don't feel that we really NEEDED this insurance. But this is one more time that it feels like being punched in the stomach again for being barren. Being barren is so much more complicated than it seems. Not only do I not get another baby to hold, but I also have to answer questions from everyone including insurance people. Being barren is not something that I did or did not do like consequences there would be after smoking for many years before. After explaining everything as best as I could then I'm still denied coverage.
*Update: The letter I received from Thrivent said the reason I was denied coverage was all of the above reasons in my health history-Factor II, miscarriages, and thyroid nodules. I am not going to appeal this decision.

I am Baptized into Christ

I turned the page in my calendar and my breath was taken away for a minute when I read the words DUE DATE on today's date. Because of Factor II, if everything would have gone well, DUE DATE means I should be nursing a two week old baby today. My mom should be celebrating her birthday tomorrow with a new grandbaby with a birthday very near her birthday. 

After the first couple of miscarriages I quit putting the words DUE DATE on the calendar. It was just too difficult. But my last few pregnancies have been different-calculating how long to do progesterone and heparin and when I would be induced if I got that far. Also when to get refills on those drugs. So all that was written on my calendar in my purse.

Last week I went to the eye doctor and I had to report I had two miscarriages since my last exam. My vision gets very messed up when I am pregnant, even if I am only pregnant a short time. It takes several months to go back to normal. This week I have to go to my thyroid doctor and report that I had a miscarriage since I saw her last time. My doctor doesn't have the best bedside manner and I am already nervous about this appointment.

Why 8 miscarriages? Why a miscarriage approximately every 6 months? Why didn't we have a happy ending and have a baby after several miscarriages? I've done all the doctors said to do, why didn't it work? Why does going to routine doctor appointments become so difficult? Why do I need to stock up on sympathy cards to mail to my grieving friends that also have had miscarriages?

I don't know if I will ever have the answers to those questions. I do know "that for those who love God all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28). I do know that I will only have the 'peace that passes all understanding' if I look to Christ for that peace. I do believe my heavenly Father has the best in mind for me and my family even if it doesn't look that way some times. I do believe that some day I will see my 8 miscarried babies in heaven.  I do know that I am baptized into Christ. That is very comforting to me.

"There is nothing worth comparing 

To this lifelong comfort sure! 

Open eyed my grave is staring 

Even there I'll sleep secure.

Though my flesh awaits its raising,

Still my soul continues praising:

I am baptized into Christ;

I'm a child of paradise!" (LSB 740:5)

Ewe's doctor visit

3 miscarriages meant being sent to an OB/GYN for a whole bunch of tests. 6 miscarriages meant being sent to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I didn't expect the RE to do a whole lot because I already had a whole bunch of tests done a few years ago when they discovered I had Factor II.
My appointment began with sitting down with a nurse practitioner and going through my whole history. I had a headache after talking about the details of 9 pregnancies. (Note to others: EVERY time you are pregnant whether a birth or miscarriage-make notes to yourself of length of pregnancy, any complications, if a miscarriage then how long the pregnancy, if you ever saw a heartbeat, if you had bleeding was it before or after ultrasound, etc. You never know when this will be helpful. It is much easier to write down right after the birth/miscarriage than try to remember a few years later.) I did the best I could do to remember. Between my memory and my records that I had sent from several doctors I think we pieced the history together pretty accurately.
Then I met with the RE and she gave a little lesson explaining pregnancy and tests they can do, I didn't learn anything new. Because I won't do procedures like IVF for moral reasons and they already know I have Factor II so I would do heparin injections if I get pregnant again, there wasn't a whole lot else that they can do.
There are about 5 days a month in your cycle where they will do a special ultrasound to check for abnormalities like polyps or fibroids. I praised God that it was one of those days in my cycle so I was able to have this done today. When I went to check out the billing lady said it saved me $450 to do that today instead of making another appointment. Plus I was able to get it done today and not have to make time to go back again. I praised God that nothing abnormal showed up so no surgery is required.
I did have one blood test done to check for one more thing and I have to wait for those results. So we are back where I started-continue taking baby aspirin daily, if I have a positive pregnancy test then begin heparin injections and take progesterone.
The bill today was almost $400 and I don't know if insurance will cover it. It was worth every penny and the two hours at the doctor's office for the peace of mind to know that I have done what I could do. I don't know what the future holds for our family size, but I do know that God is the one holding our family in His hands. It gives me great peace to know that God determined our family size, not something that Ram and I did. I haven't gone through menopause yet nor have we ruled out adoption, so we may end up with more than 3 Lambs. No matter what, I have a lot to be thankful for-Ram and 3 healthy Lambs.

I thought about this post all day and wondered if it was TMI to post this on my blog. I finally decided to post it because something I say may be helpful to others with recurrent miscarriages or Factor II. Plus I have several friends that knew about my appointment and it is easier to post here to update them.