I know that my Redeemer Lives!

...And when my short life is ended,

By His angel host attended,
He shall fold me to His breast,
There within His arms to rest. (LSB 740:3)

Our Lamb 4 spent Holy Week resting in Jesus' arms.
Lamb 4 was alive in my womb for exactly 8 weeks and is alive in Christ forever.

He lives to silence all my fears;
He lives to wipe away my tears;
He lives to calm my troubled heart;
He lives all blessings to impart. (LSB 461:5)

Prayers are deeply appreciated for our family.
Posts about Easter bonnets and Easter photos to follow later this week.

Lamb 2

There is a family that comes to ECFE faithfully and their dad brings them. The dad doesn't interact with his kids as much as the other moms seem to interact with their kids during ECFE. I am glad he comes to ECFE and his kids get some educational play time at ECFE.
Yesterday at ECFE, Lamb 2 noticed this dad's baby girl. Lamb 2 took the initiative to hold her hand and talk to her. Lamb 2 was not quite 2 years old when Lamb 3 was born so he didn't have too much time to be the big brother for Lamb 3-he was almost a baby himself. I had to watch Lamb 2 very closely around Lamb 3 for fear of him hurting or biting him.
At ECFE, Lamb 2 was so gentle and knew just how to treat a baby. I was so proud of him. I was glad he gave this baby girl a little extra attention. I pray that we have a girl for him to continue this next fall. No matter what gender the baby is, I could tell today that Lamb 2 is ready to be a big brother for Lamb 4. He will be so happy to be a big brother again. May the Lord bless and keep Lamb 4 until Lamb 2 can hold and eventually play with him.

Family Update

Ewe: 12 injections down: 476 to go
Slight nausea. Hooray!
Working hard to declutter-in the meantime the house is more messy as I work on decluttering projects.
Ram: Bought himself new shoes for every day shoes for an early birthday present. Doing his first premarital counseling as a pastor and looking forward to performing his second wedding. Baked peanut butter chocolate chip recipes (thanks for the recipe agnusdei1996!) tonight for a treat for us.
Lamb 1: Needs more dental work done. The last visit there were a few teeth they were going to watch and hope they didn't get any worse. He needs 2 caps and possibly 3. Grr! We really do brush and floss regularly.
We've had a busy schedule the last few weeks. We have been a little more unschooly than classical school. Lamb 1 has spent a lot of time with Legos on his own. Ewe is looking forward to getting back on schedule for school, but Lamb 1 is not.
Lamb 2: Begins speech at the school on Friday. It took almost 2 months to test and do paperwork to satisfy the state. He qualified with a score of 65 in articulation and you need less than 70. Passed the rest of the test (vocabulary, grammar, etc.) as above average.
Lamb 3: Will be 3 on Saturday. He enjoyed wearing his "Warning: I am two." shirt today. Finally answered what he wants for his birthday meals. Brunch: pancakes and sausage. Supper: Pizza and chocolate cake. We may need to be a little creative because our church has a wedding on Saturday so we will probably celebrate on Sunday. His box of presents from Grandma has been here for a while tempting all the Lambs.
Lamb 4: Doing well, looking forward to our first prenatal appointment soon (heparin appointments don't count!).

Trusting God

Now that I'm pregnant and also trying to drink lots of water, I go to the bathroom A LOT. I saw the ultrasound of one of our babies that was just fine one week and the following week we lost that baby. I've had 3 miscarriages. Due to the nightmares of those and some other issues in previous pregnancies, I get nervous EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I go to the bathroom when I am pregnant. Before we lost our third baby, I always thought that seeing the ultrasound would be enough to calm me down that everything was well with baby. I have not had an ultrasound with this pregnancy. Seeing an ultrasound is not enough to calm me down any more. I believe I will calm down more after the baby in my womb has outlived all 3 of our babies in heaven, but it will be in the back of my mind until I am holding Lamb 4 in my arms.
I have done a little research about my blood clotting disorder called Factor II. After my little research it is amazing to me that it was so easy for me to get pregnant 7 times and even more amazing that we have 3 healthy boys. It is amazing that during each of the pregnancies/births/postpartums of all 3 boys I had very few problems. Sometimes I wonder "What if I would have known I had Factor II before any of my pregnancies?" Maybe it is better that I was naive about the whole situation and when I wasn't sick with morning sickness I enjoyed my first pregnancy without the facts about Factor II in the back of my mind. I would have totally freaked out when I had spotting with Lamb 2 if I would have known about Factor II then. But perhaps Lamb 3 would have gained more weight if I would have known about Factor II then. It doesn't really matter because the fact is that we have 3 healthy boys and now I have the knowledge that I have this for this pregnancy and any future pregnancies.
The Lambs really want another sibling, preferably a sister. They completely trust that in November they will have a sibling. They are completely naive that we could lose the baby before then. I know that if we would lose the baby, they would completely trust that it is in heaven and not grieve it too much-other than the fact that they lost the hope of getting a dollhouse and girl toys in our house in November. I can not be completely naive about the situation like they are, but I can trust in God.
Starting the next time I go to the bathroom, I am going to recite Bible verses and pray about this situation. Think of how many times I will recite Bible verses and all the prayers I will say over the next 240 days! That sounds like a much better way to spend all those trips to the bathroom instead of worrying.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

Answering a few questions

3 injections down; 483 to go

Due date is November 22.

Injections do not hurt, really they don't! The pharmacy didn't have the correct syringes so I ended up with insulin type syringes. They have a shorter needle than it was planned for me to get. But even the longer needle that I received in the doctor's office did not hurt. It does bruise so the bruises will hurt after I get several.

I have a supply of Preggie Drops for myself-just waiting for the day that I need them. In previous pregnancies I have had morning sickness when other women are usually about done with morning sickness. We'll see if the pattern repeats if I'm on heparin.

I talked to our local pharmacist (7 miles away) and they will be able to get heparin for me. There was only one pharmacy in the bigger town that I went to the doctor yesterday that carried heparin to fill the prescription immediately. It was good news that after this first month supply I will be able to get it locally.

Some of my friends have asked why I was advised to do heparin. After my last miscarriage I was tested for basically every disorder they can do a blood test for that could cause miscarriages. The disorder I have is called Factor II. If you do an internet search Factor V will probably come up with lots of info, but Factor II will only show up a little. Factor V is a rare blood disorder, but Factor II is even more rare. Basically there is a 30% chance that my blood will clot and either cause miscarriage or I would have the potential for a blood clot in my leg or even some place more serious. Baby aspirin should thin my blood to cut down on the chance of blood clot. Heparin injections thin the blood to cut down the chance of blood clot even more. Baby aspirin would do a lot for the blood clot situation, heparin injections are doing everything possible with medical knowledge today. I have always had this disorder so it is a miracle that we had 3 Lambs born without major pregnancy or delivery or post delivery problems. My doctor sees mostly high risk pregnancies or trouble conceiving pregnancies. He said nearly every woman that sees him at least takes baby aspirin and many take heparin. Heparin has been given for years and is relatively safe and especially safe for pregnancy.

Some one said to me today, "Wouldn't it be nice if you could have just a regular pregnancy, without being hospitalized with morning sickness, with gaining a normal amount of weight during pregnancy (not just 10 lbs), not doing heparin injections, etc.?" I responded that that is the idea behind heparin injections-the plan is that by doing heparin injections I will gain a normal amount of weight during pregnancy (maybe I'll even take the tags off and wear some of my maternity clothes!) and carry this baby for the entire pregnancy without having a preemie. May the Lord help that to happen. Thank you for all your prayers.

My new daily routine

Although I have a slightly different blood clotting disorder than this video, watching this helped me make my final decision. I had thought about heparin or not for over a year, but it wasn't until I was really pregnant that I had to make the final decision. My doctor gave me the choice of just baby aspirin or also heparin injections. I will give myself injections of heparin twice a day for the entire pregnancy. By doing heparin, I know that I have done everything possible for Lamb 4.
1 injection down, 485 more to go. (Maybe slightly less if Lamb 4 decides to come early.) Praise God for heparin only being $10 per month copay vs. Lovenox being $800 per month (I don't know what that copay would be.) The difference is Lovenox is once per day injections vs. heparin twice per day injections.
If you see me in real life this summer know that I am not abused, it is just the bruising from the injections! My other goal with using heparin is I hope to gain more than 10 lbs this pregnancy (Lamb 3's pregnancy). I do plan to save my needles for a photo, but I'm not making a video.  :)

Here we go again...

The last week has been very busy. Thursday I saw the OB/GYN 2 hours away. At that appointment I agreed to just do baby aspirin. I talked to a lot of family, friends, and my doctors and decided to do heparin injections too. I spent most of Monday waiting for the nurses to call back with info from my doctors. I was finally set to make the 2 hour trip to begin heparin on Tuesday. When the nurse called for my appointment time, she reminded me travel was not advised. What? It was raining. Sure enough, it was close enough to freezing rain and several inches of snow were predicted. I asked for an appointment on Wednesday and she said it was supposed to be even worse then. She finally scheduled me for Thursday, but told me that was tentative as the weather might not allow that either. Another storm is predicted for Friday, so if I don't make it on Thursday, it won't be until the next week. I will do twice a day heparin injections at home for the entire pregnancy. My doctor 2 hours away will get me set up and after I begin I should be able to see the local doctor for the rest of my pregnancy.
The weather is crazy here. All schools in the area are closed. We received at least a foot of snow last night and it is currently snowing and expect a few more inches today. The main highway around here is down to one lane and drifted closed in some places. The local doctor's office and the local cafe are closed. We had such nice weather the last few weeks that most snow had melted from the trees and sidewalks. There were just patches of snow left in the yard and where the snow had been piled from shoveling. Everyone is so ready for spring!

Lamb 1, the artist

Wednesday

Yesterday was a whirlwind and a blur of a day to me. It began with about an hour drive to the midwife with two ultrasounds (regular and vaginal). The midwife told me the news that our baby that we expected in September stopped growing last Friday and there was no heart beat yesterday. I'm still processing this news because on Feb. 1 the baby was fine and I saw a heartbeat. We originally weren't going to announce that we were pregnant yet but everything was fine on Feb. 1 so we announced earlier than we thought we would. I've done it both ways and I don't know if it is easier to talk about a miscarriage if you have announced you are pregnant or not. After seeing the midwife, getting a shot, and getting blood drawn, I came home.
I wasn't home for very long before we received the news that Ram's grandpa died yesterday morning. He hadn't been feeling well and he didn't wake up in the car when they got to the doctor. Thankfully their son had taken them to the doctor so Grandma wasn't alone.
My own grandpas died before I was born and I only saw Ram's mom's dad a few times after we were married. But we visited Ram's dad's dad several times and talked on the phone to him almost every Sunday night. The Lambs know this Great Grandpa.
Yesterday was spent making phone calls and arrangements. Ram is going to the funeral alone because it is just too complicated for the Lambs and me to fly out at this point. Ram and I have only been apart a handful of nights since we have been married and most of those I have been with my parents to help watch the Lambs. Ram had 2 trips in January (1 funeral and 1 for church) and I hate being apart from my beloved and hate being a single parent for almost a week. Ram had to cancel church on Ash Wednesday to go to the funeral.
Please pray for Ram to have a safe trip, for me to be a good single parent while he is gone, for me to complete my miscarriage without complications before he leaves, and for our family as we grieve.
It is comforting to me to know that our Good Shepherd is holding our 3 miscarried Lambs and Great Grandpa met them, and even our little Lamb that we hadn't told him about yet.

I don't have time to figure out how to turn off comments for this post, but I would appreciate no comments on this post. Everyone grieves differently and by the 3rd miscarriage, I would appreciate not having to read a bunch of comments. It is enough for me to know that you are keeping me in your prayers.

My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them. Psalm 139:15-16

In memory of Great Grandpa and his 89 years/4 months on earth and alive in Christ forever and our little Lamb alive in my womb for 8 weeks/4 days and alive in Christ forever.

Birthdays and Clothes

Ram, his dad, and all 3 Lambs have spring birthdays. Ewe, Ewe's mom, Ram's mom, and Lamb 4 all have fall birthdays. It would be nice if Lamb 4 was a girl to keep our pattern of boys=spring birthdays and girls=fall birthdays.
I think I'm going to have to buy some maternity clothes. I don't get very big when I'm pregnant (well, at least not for the first 3 Lambs!), but big enough that my clothes don't fit. I made do with just a few pairs of pants and a few dresses for when I go out of the house and wore pajamas around the house. Ram's mom got me a few really nice maternity dresses when I was pregnant with Lamb 1. They are all long sleeved and/or winter colors. This time when I'm big enough to need maternity clothes it is going to be late spring/summer. My current maternity clothes won't do.
I know many of you will not understand this, but I have some maternity clothes that still have the tags on them because I never got big enough to wear them. Pam said I was the skinniest pregnant woman she ever met. But it truly was a problem in my previous pregnancies that my regular clothes didn't fit but some maternity clothes were too big.
I'm being careful what I wish for because I don't want to go to the other extreme and be so big that most maternity clothes don't fit, but it would be really nice to have a "normal" pregnancy and not have to continually go to ultrasounds the whole pregnancy because I'm not getting big enough even though the baby is just fine.
I've also been thinking that if this is a boy we'll probably have to get new clothes for him because all the newborn clothes are spring/summer type and that pattern continues for the first year of baby clothes. I really hope this is a girl so if we have to buy new clothes we at least get to buy some girl clothes!

About yesterday's Wordless Wednesday

1. We called Ewe's sister and told her the news on Monday night. She always thinks that we're pregnant-even when I just had a Lamb! I guess she gave up on guessing that we were pregnant because it took a long time to finally tell her on Monday. She was planning on going to Korea to teach English so we told her first so that she might have a chance to come to Lamb 4's baptism before she goes to Korea. We'll see how that all works out.
2. We called Ram's parents on Tuesday night. Ram's dad was in AZ on business and Ram's mom went along. We rarely call their cell phone so Ram's dad took the call expecting some kind of bad news. He wasn't quite speechless, but we did surprise him. His first question was if we were done after Lamb 4. He told us Ram's mom would call us later.
Ram's mom finally called back on Wednesday night. She has been busy with the other wives on this business trip. She wanted to know the due date. We didn't have time to talk long so we're going to try to talk more soon. She said she told the other wives that we were expecting #4 and they were shocked about #4. I answered Ram's dad's question because it hadn't been answered. If we have a boy then we'll try again for a girl. If we have a girl we'll try again to give her a sister. Before we got married Ram wanted 6 (just like the Bakers) and I wanted 4. I think we'll end up compromising and having 5, but Ram is still hoping for 6. I was hoping for 2 girls and 2 boys in my original hope for 4. So I think it would be wonderful to have that 2 girls and 2 boys plus 1 more boy. We'll see what God has planned. I really don't care if this is a boy or a girl because we are used to boys and if we have another boy Lamb 3 would have a brother close to his age. Although I'll be honest and tell that we really want a girl too.
3. We did not tell Ewe's parents-we let them find out on the blog. They were shocked. My mom saw it first and was surprised that my dad didn't see it first. At first my mom didn't believe it. They called us and were really surprised.
4. Ram won't let me find out the gender so we'll all be surprised in September.
5. I went to the midwife last Thursday and she tried to use a portable ultrasound but it was just too early to see any detail. On Monday I went for a real ultrasound and again it is very early so they couldn't tell much. But I was thrilled to hear the heartbeat and also to hear there is just one. Pam had me convinced that I had a good chance of having twins! The Wordless Wednesday was the ultrasound from Monday but I removed all the personal information. I am due the middle of September and the midwife was pleased that the ultrasound date was very close to her date.
6. Pam, yes, I have a supply of Preggie Drops here, I like to give them to my pregnant friends but usually by the time they announce they are pretty much over morning sickness.
7. The end of December and the beginning of January I just felt blah-couldn't really describe what was wrong. I was considering going to the chiropractor but what was he going to do for my symptom of being blah? I finally got the idea to take a pregnancy test and it showed up right away-very different from my last pregnancy where I took several pregnancy tests before one showed up positive. Ram got back from his trip to the Cities and he smelled like garlic to me. He told me he didn't have any garlic for lunch. I wasn't convinced. He smelled like garlic to me for 3 days! (Not very romantic when he just got back from a trip!) On the second day Lamb 1 also smelled like garlic. I never had this problem in pregnancy before. Have any of you ever smelled imaginary smells when you are pregnant?
8. I felt fine until a few days ago. The morning sickness is starting. I was hospitalized with Lamb 1 with morning sickness. Each Lamb I have learned to cope a little better. Soon I'll be surviving with Preggie Drops and ginger ale (preferably from Menards-but any ginger ale). I also have been really really hungry and I don't remember that from previous pregnancies either.
9. I recently read a book titled Changing the World One Diaper at a Time and the author said she doesn't know how people keep pregnancy a secret for 3 or 4 months because she (and her husband) had to tell within the week that they found out they were pregnant. We've told at different times for different Lambs. I think we waited the longest to tell when I was pregnant the second time and I had a miscarriage the day after we told our congregations. So this time we've told our family (with the exception of Ram's grandparents) and my blog, and we're going to send our Christmas cards soon and tell there too. We have not told the Lambs though because we have not told the congregations yet and we don't want them to have to keep that big of a secret. I'm not sure when we will tell the congregations and then we'll be able to tell the Lambs. I don't get very big when I'm pregnant so we could probably wait awhile to tell the congregations. We'll see.
10. The photo of Lamb 3 was actually taken last fall when we were going to announce before we had a miscarriage. Lamb 3 has been terrible about getting his photo taken recently so I decided to use that old photo. Currently he needs a haircut but he doesn't look much different than that photo.
11. We have had a girl name picked for over 6 years and never been able to use it, but we are starting to run out of boy names. We like a Bible name for the first name and a family name for the middle name. So Ram and I will be discussing a boy name for the next few months!
12. Thanks for all the comments yesterday. Please keep Lamb 4 and me in your prayers.

Wordless Wednesday #2

Wordless Wednesday