Wednesday, May 4, 2011

A question

The doctor asked me a question yesterday that got me thinking.
Do you know other women who have had miscarriages so you don't feel like the only one?
My answer to her was of course I knew women who have had miscarriages. But the next part of my answer was that I didn't know anyone who had 4 miscarriages like me. Later I thought of someone I knew who had several miscarriages but her situation is a little different because she has never had any children. That is what got me thinking.
I really do think it is two separate issues to *have fertility problems/miscarriages and not have any children OR *to have one or more children and have miscarriages. They are both the same in that both want a child. I had one child before I had any miscarriages so I will never have the perspective of the first issue. But I can tell you about the second issue. Strangers make comments like "Isn't it time for another one? You guys should try for a girl!" They have no idea that you want another child. They have no idea that there is a problem because you already have some children, why couldn't you have more? Others that know that you have had a miscarriage remind you to "be thankful for the children that you do have" and suggest that "maybe it is time that you are done because you already have some children". Others have to share the story of the ONE miscarriage that they had and assume that "they understand".
I do know a couple of families that had a few children and then had a miscarriage and they never had any more children. They told me they decided they were done after the children they had. I do know a few families that had a few children, had a miscarriage, and then several years later finally had another child. Those years in between children were very difficult for them and it will always be obvious because of the big gap between children. But I can't think of any family/friends that had a few children, told me they really longed to have another child, and never did. I suppose there are families like that, but I assume that they only wanted X number of children and that they chose to be done after X number of children.
Miscarriage has not always been talked about openly. I think the Internet age has changed that. I don't know how our story will turn out. Are we done after 3 boys? Will we eventually have another child? Will we adopt? Only God knows that answer.
I made it through yesterday that I expected to be difficult. Today's schedule doesn't seem to be difficult. Thursday and Saturday and Sunday's schedule look to be difficult again. I am taking it one day at a time. I am thankful for the days that look to be easier as a break between the difficult days.


Amanda said...

It is so hard to be where you are. I know. Miscarriage is not something many people talk about, until you have one, and then they want to tell you all about it, when talking about it, for me, only made me cry. The best thing I have learned to do is realize that it is a loss, a death, and to treat it as such. I cry out to God many days, and wonder why we've suffered so many losses, and eventually come to peace, though I do not understand. I found the easiest way to handle the loss for me publicly was to be honest when people asked questions about me and how I was doing. And let them see the tears.

I wish I could give you a hug and cry with you. It is so hard, and each person handles the loss differently. Praying that you find comfort.

my name is kimberley said...

i'm so sorry. we are praying for all of you and send our love.

Karen said...

I had several (4) miscarriages between our 1st and 2nd child. It was heart breaking. The comments that strangers and friends offered did not help. They meant well, but after the second miscarriage, I no longer told people I was pregnant. The happy news was shared when the pregnancy was at 6 months. For me, it was easier to cry and mourn alone.

Friend began to remark that we were only going to have 1 child and suggested that we might want to consider adoption. My twenties resulted in 2 children that were born healthy. In my thirties, we were blessed with 4 healthy births. We also were blessed with one child when I was 40. There is no hard and fast rule for fertility. It is in God's hands. You and your family are in my prayers.

Jody S. said...

Throughout our marriage, it has been difficult to accept what God has to offer with regards to our fertility. First, it was being pregnant within a month of marriage. Next, it was baby 2 born only 15 months after baby 1. Then two more children followed--none two years apart.

And this last year, the miscarriages came. Two within 6 months.

By far, the most difficult part has been the miscarriages. Now the possibility of pregnancy fills me with fear of miscarriage.

But I know that God is good. I do not understand why this all happens. But I do understand Psalm 139.

It has helped me greatly just to know that other women know how I feel. I am not the only one. With each miscarriage, women I had known for years approached me to tell me their stories. And the understanding in their eyes helped me, even if the words fell short.

I was not much online recently (a death in the family), and when I read your news two days ago, I cried for you and I cried for me. I am so sorry for your loss. So very sorry. May God be with you.

Also, with regards to all boys, I have close friends who are three brothers (with no sisters). Their mother survived. She is so full of energy and healthy for her age. I've often thought, since I now have three boys, that having those boisterous boys must have done something to keep her so young and full of life and energy!

Dakotapam said...

I ache for you.

I think that one of the hardest things about being a mother is the fear of loss.

Our miscarriage changed me as a mother. I was never able to relax and enjoy a pregnancy. After that loss there was always a nagging fear that I would lose the baby. I never could relax with my twin pregnancy, because in the back of my mind I KNEW something was wrong with Emily.

And now, I have six living children and at least one with Jesus (I suspect that I may have had other miscarriages, but after the first I stopped taking pregnancy tests and waited for nausea.) And yet, I still worry. A lot. Cars, airplanes, flesh eating bacteria, food poisoning, school shootings. Asa mom, we never stop worrying.

And so, I have to daily turn it all over to Jesus. that, my friend, is the hardest thing about motherhood.

(For the record. I spent 13 years as a mom of boys only. For years I was convinced that the baby we lost was my only girl. I gave up on dresses and hairbows and baby dolls. And yet, I thoroughly enjoyed my boys.And now they thoroughly enjoy their baby sisters, who changed the entire dynamic of our family.)

Through the mountain top experiences and the low valleys I remember: God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Blessings to you, my sister in Christ.

Melrose said... she's had 7 miscarriages. #8 was her first living child. However, she has adopted 3 children between some of her miscarriages. amazing amazing story...seriously, check her blog out!