Discouraged

Warning: If you are at an emotional point in your life right now-Do not read this depressing post! I'm so thankful that Ram is home now to help me at this point in my grief. Here are a few things I have been thinking about.

*After our babies outgrow the cradle, we use it as a toybox for the youngest Lamb. They can easily reach their toys there. For several months when we had a newborn we put the toys in a different place so we could use the cradle. Then we use the cradle as a toybox. We have never boxed up the toys and stored them because by the time the youngest Lamb outgrew the baby toys, another Lamb was always on the way. Same thing with baby blankets. Lamb 3 turns 2 the beginning of April. I am dreading this organization project (clean out cradle and blankets) that needs to be done to make room for things for the Lambs.

*I was supposed to go to the midwife today but Ram has a busy schedule today and I really wanted him to go with me to this appointment. I am dreading talking to the midwife even though I know much of what she is going to say. I had a terrible time getting my appointment changed. I finally got it changed to Thursday. Ram and the Lambs will go along and afterwards we can go out to lunch. That helps to make this appointment not so bad.

*I have been working on getting our tax information together and I just realized how expensive the doctor bills for the miscarriage in September were. Our insurance changed and we have a higher deductible now, but the church gave Ram a raise to help pay for this. The September miscarriage was very early and I didn't have any ultrasounds done. This recent miscarriage I have had 2 ultrasounds and I think I need at least one more. Thankfully we have the medical cost money from the church. But it's so depressing to me that our medical money is being spent this way and we don't get to take a baby home after spending all this money. I have a lot of sympathy for parents that have a stillborn child or lose a child after time in the hospital.

*On Sunday something came up in the conversation and someone asked me if I was pregnant. We have not told our church members about the pregnancy or miscarriage. I was not expecting this question at all and I responded quicker than I should have with, "No, I'm NOT."

*When I get pregnant, I usually don't get very big and show. I've been told I was the skinniest pregnant woman ever! But certain "parts" get big quite fast. I've never been concerned about my weight because I have 3 wonderful Lambs to show for it. But this time it's depressing to me that certain "parts" are going to take awhile to shrink and I don't even have a Lamb to show for it.

*I am at a really strange point right now that we still want more Lambs but we don't know if we will be able to have more. I'm jealous of friends that know for sure (because of age or health or whatever reason) that unless they have an "accident" that they are done. I don't know if I should give away baby clothes and other baby items. I don't know if I should give away my maternity clothes. I'm jealous of those friends that can concentrate on the next stage in their children's lives because we really don't know if we are done with the baby stage. It's a difficult point to be at.

I know I need to just take it one day at a time. I know I need to take some time to heal from this.
"Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7